Monday, August 29, 2005

Nature Blows

Today it blew several trees down. One on an aquaintance's house. Mostly thanks to the activity I'm sure you already know about down in the Gulf of Mexico.

Leave it to CNN to find a way to spin a hurricane story with a liberal bias. All they could talk about was how evil "price gougers" are. In their defense, they probably only had that one Econ class senior year of Government School. They were probably too busy learning about how to balance a checkbook to delve much into supply and demand and their effects on equilibrium price. Sure, you might think these guys who jack the price of plywood up during storms are assholes, but they still have what you and every other dumbass stupid enough to live on the coastline wants in limited supplies. Don't like the prices? The Home Depot has a strict policy on not raising their prices during these events. But good luck finding anything in stock thanks to this policy. Not to mention that they take a huge financial blow by restocking large quantities in a very short time and selling at the same pre-disaster prices. But all corporations are evil, right?

Why is it that every huge storm that comes in is going to be the biggest storm ever until it actually hits? Historically, most category 5's weaken significantly just before landfall. But they never say. "well, it was supposed to be worse so at least there's that." And those reporter guys that hang out so we can see what's going on are absolute idiots. I'd drop them in a heartbeat if I were their insurer.

200+ years of trying to control the direction of the Mississippi River will eventually fail and New Orleans will be the new Atlantis. How nice would it be to own real estate in the Gulf of Mexico? To be honest, I thought it'd be kind of cool if it got wiped out this time.

If I were homeless in New Orleans this past weekend, forget trolling the Superdome for shelter. I'd have been on the Interstate begging anybody with a pick-up truck for a ride in the back. Don't care where you're going as long as it's away from the coast and preferably at a higher altitude. You can even drop me off in a safer place. It's not like homeless in New Orleans is that different from homeless in Baton Rouge or Montgomery, AL.

They've been having tornado warnings for Peachtree City all night. I forget, is it a watch or a warning that means there actually is a tornado. I think they should use way easier names for that shit. Like, tornado likely and tornado get-the-fuck-out!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Somewhere for all of that money you don't get panhandled out of in Atlanta anymore

Screw those homeless dudes. What have they done for me lately? (besides give head for crack?)

But these dudes help me out everyday. And they're having a pledge drive. It's like NPR with useful information. And they're not nagging you instead of giving you what you want from them (you know how NPR stops regular programming [what you want] in order to exchange crappy merchandise [what you don't need] for your $100 pledge)

Besides, where else would you learn useful facts about Cosimo Boscaglia, The Hong Kong Football Association, the chemical structure for Splenda, or that there was a Nintendo game based on Che Guevara?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Intelligent Falling

The Onion has put up one of the cleverest parodies of Intelligent Design I've seen yet.

Iraq Mommies

I'm really talking about American mothers of soldiers serving in Iraq.

I'm just about fed up with the nightly news coverage of the war in Iraq. It's been worse here since 16 members of the National Guard's 48th from Georgia have died. These are particularly troubling to me when I hear of a new one because my first cousin is in this group.

But that's not really it, either. It's the delivery. For example...

Last night they were still talking about the crazy lady that hung out at Bush's ranch. She's got a whole horde of mommies with her now. Cool, freedom of speech, that's what it's for, even if I don't agree with her tactics. But the news dude says she's now got a following of the "thousands of mothers who have lost their children in the Iraqi war."

Wait, how many casualties have we had? Thousands? Really? Last I heard we haven't even broken 2k. Not that that's necessarily better, but where do these "thousands " of mothers come from who lost their soldier in Iraq?

Back to my cousin, I'm particularly troubled by my aunt's reaction to all of this. She keeps talking about him as if he isn't ever coming back. I seriously hope that's not true. But I blame the news outlets for their pessimistic view of every single aspect of this war. Obviously, from watching them, absolutely nothing good has happened as a result of our involvement in this war.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Kids Are So Stupid (and other pointless observations)

A student today was wearing a Che shirt. I wonder if I can wear this one to work? Friday is "casual day."

It's really hard to break people from their calculator dependence. Evolutionary pressures will likely favor a race that has calculators substituted for left hands. That only leaves one hand for "recreation." Hope you're a righty!

Do they save Econ and Government classes for senior year to leave a stronger impression or to hide the fact that the school system is more socialist than our government. Not much, but it is. Ha ha, too late for you to complain. Here's a piece of paper with your name on it that we just picked up from Kinko's.

That George W. must be one fine kisser for her to go out and stand outside his ranch for weeks demanding to see him again. Did you promise her you'd call, you rascal? (by the way, that's cached from her website, not that you'd find those pictures there now)

Gas prices are high, yes. It's simple supply and demand (see also: De Beers Group). But you have a fat ass and a bike. Take advantage of thermodynamics. Lose weight and save on gas money you pathetic tub of lard.

Why does the band INXS need Dave Navarro on their TV show to find a new lead singer? Oh, yeah. Who the fuck is Gary Beers/Andrew Farriss/Jon Farriss/Tim Farriss? Thank god those other dudes changed their name to Velvet Revolver. And I could name at least one other dude from Guns 'n' Roses.

Why do people assume someone's having a birthday when gifts are being given at a restaurant? It was clearly obvious that we were celebrating a gay wedding. Fortunately, we were in Midtown and didn't have to suppress that fact. My wife and I were the only straight people in the joint.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Hot for Teacher

Where the hell was she when I was 13?

Oh, yeah. She was 13, too.

It's not like you're particularly unattractive, lady. It seems like none of these cases that have hit the news in the recent past have involved unattractive female teachers. What's the deal? That hard up for a date? I know plenty of dudes my age that act like 13-year-olds that are hard up for a little lovin'. They probably even have small penises, too.

I'm probably showing my age/maturity/boringness here, but I don't ever find myself looking at teenaged girls with any hint of lust. I think it occurred to me one day when the TV was on one Saturday morning and no one was paying particular attention to it. They were showing Lizzie McGuire and I found myself saying, "Man, the mom on this show is hot! MILF!" My wife still makes fun of me for that one. Ha ha, I'm an old geezer. :-(

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Where's PETA?

The NCAA has gone stupid again. First, it was forcing the state of Georgia to change it's state flag before they could have the Final Four here. The end result? A flag that more closely resembles the actual flag of the confederacy than the previous one. But it's okay because apparently that year of 8th grade Georgia history left absolutely no impression of what the US Civil War was actually about. The Ol' Stars and Bars meant slavery, the Flag of the Confederacy apparently didn't.

But back to my original point. Why is it just Native American tribes? How about Notre Dame? I'm of Irish descent and I happen to find it rather offensive that I am expected to be violent as a result of my heritage. Sure, I've kicked an ass or two in my time, and there was that spell where I beat up the entire membership of the Justice League including the Hall of Justice staff and the pizza delivery guy. Sorry, bad timing pizza dude. The Irish are lovers, not fighters. It just happens that our primary love is alcohol and that bitch sometimes makes me want to throw other dudes through plate glass windows or into vats of hot, molten iron.

But what about the poor, defenseless animals. What kind of image are you sending when you call your team something like the Wildcats and then proceed to get your asses whupped up and down the field/court/badminton arena? Aren't you in fact supporting animal abuse? How should I interpret it when the announcer says, "Wow, those Cocks are really sticking it to those, I mean Cougars." Isn't that exactly like supporting cock-fighting, or dog fights. Next, there'll be underground circuits for insect fights. "Five hundred on the Yellow Jackets over the Hornets. And twenty on the dung beetles in the next match." Stop the violence, man. The NCAA's lack of respect for animal life is fo'shizzilin all over my mah'nizzilin.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Potty Mouth

I have a huge potty mouth. It will end up getting me in trouble some day, specifically at work. There was that one time I played it off.

Me: "What I said was 'That looks like an F with a big gas plus' Timmy."

His name was really Timmy, it was before South Park so I couldn't make that joke, yet. And yeah, pretty benign.

Then there was the time I busted my knee up on the desk real good last year.

Me: "Ow, shit! Er... I mean, Ow Poop!"

Somehow, "poop" doesn't describe exactly how I felt. It was really more of a "shit, god damn, motherfucker" kind of hurt.

And now there's this. I'm brave enough to post it from work. I'm testing that whole freedom of speech thing. Of course, I'm sure the Supreme Court say something like, "Well, technically it was written, not spoken, so therefore cannot be classified as speech. And since you're not a member of the press... and since it doesn't serve a public purpose..." And then I'm all like "Screw you guys, I'm moving to Canada. I shoulda left when Clinton II took office." And then they're all like "Fine, and take Jason Priestly back with you. We're tired of him screwing all of our wives. That show was so over 10 years ago." And then I'm all like, "As long as I get to take Linda Evangelista, too." And they're all "okay" and I go "fine."

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

First Day Fun

First day for teachers. Kids show next Wednesday.

I like my high school. It's not as white as my last one, four years ago. Jesus, four years ago?

We got to hear the canned speech from our myrmidon board chairman (chairwoman?). Bitch, bitch, bitch about the plan to equip all middle and high school kids with personal laptop computers. Judge put the smack down on that bait and switch. They'll probably waste more money that could be used to hire a teacher or two, fix dilapidated buildings, or other generally good investments to appeal the decision. They haven't said yet, but they probably will. Stubborn bunch this school board. Followed up with the standard routine (about the 3rd time I've heard the same schtick from her) about her cancer survival and inspirational. Last time she gave us some red sneakers for "running with the big dogs," or something equally corny. This time she gave us her star underwear. I was too busy swallowing the little bit of vomit that worked it's way up to hear her rationale.

More pointless meetings. More stuff I pretended to listen to while I mentally categorized my CD collection. Even more stuff while I was thinking about how much more fun I would be having if I were nailing my hand to a concrete wall. And even more pretending to listen as I analyzed the sounds created while I was chewing my lunch, so I guess I was listening, just not to what was being said. Most importantly, I missed nothing. It was all in the memo I got by e-mail this morning.

But one thing I did learn today. When you buy new tires and they ask if you want road hazard coverage, the answer is yes. The $5 I spent for the coverage was more than paid for between the 3 visits to have holes plugged for "free" and the $87 I saved today on a pro-rated new tire when I got a nail in the sidewall yesterday. And the guys at NTB are great. I can't recall one single bad experience in the 9 years I've done business with them and I've used about 4 of their Atlanta locations during that time.