My Living Will

This probably isn't legally binding, but I just want it out there.

From this day forward, if I am in a unrecoverable catatonic state from some catastrophic health problem, it is time for you to move on. Pull the plug. I will be tired of wasting resources that would be better utilized running a lamp for some 10 year old to keep reading his Harry Potter book or feeding the body of the leukemia patient down the hall.

And super shame on you if you allow people to take pictures or video of me for propaganda or political purposes. If you want them for your personal memories, fine, but those old ones where I was actually "alive" would probably be better. If you decide to break this policy, I wish upon you a vengeance greater than or equal to being ass-raped by 15 elephants and 2 camels.

And that's how I feel about that.

Sadness for Armchair Engineers

A duct tape plant experienced an explosion.

Fortunately, plenty of supplies for repairs were located in the shipping area.

I'm Number One!

Search hits for Yahoo! lists me at number one baby!

What was the search?

Extreme Flatulation

Hopefully, I won't step on Number Two!

Down Here At the Bottom

Us here down in the South don't want yore movies comin' down here and makin' us all forgit about the Lord.

The movie apparently only references the theory of evolution but the target audience is obviously only those with enough sense to understand that you can separate your religion from the theory. Majority rules, we lose.

The idea that a model for describing observed changes in organisms over time can threaten the core of a religion so strongly leads me to believe that the religion is based on a flimsy foundation to begin with.

It's not hard to understand why someone would get so upset about challenging their religious beliefs. Not even challenging them, because I think that the theory of evolution could fit very well into the creationist theory. Hence the intelligent design theory. But the problem still lies in the fact that one theory is based on science and intelligent design is based on faith.

But I guess that's why it's easier to accept the creationist viewpoint. One theory requires a willingness to believe, the other requires rational thought and analysis. Which is easier?

So You Want To Go To A Concert...

Well, don't be any of these guys/gals.

1. The jackass that moves to the seated section of the general admission event and then proceeds to stand for the entire concert in front of people who were seated before the opening act.

2. The jackoff that spills shitty beer on everyone as he crawls over everyone to get back to his seat.

3. The guy who falls down the stairs. 'Nuff said.

4. The guy who falls while crowd-surfing prompting the band to stop playing in the middle of a fucking badass song to make sure you aren't dead.

5. The girl who takes off her shirt to reveal really nasty-looking saggy tits.

6. The guy in the opening band that drops his pants to show his fat, sweaty, hairy ass.

7. The opening band that sucks so much ass that they have to keep the volume at 150+ decibels so people can't hear enough to tell that their drummer only knows one rythym and that their music sucks the sweat off of a day-laboring Mexican's balls. I do give them credit for likely having the only washboard player in death metal.

8. The chick that wears politically motivated clothing and can't answer a simple question about the claims that it makes.

9. The 40+ grandma dressed like a skanky teenager.

10. The wannabe drummer teenager that sits behind you and pretends the back of your chair is a fucking kick drum.

Granted, 1 and 10 are much easier to control when you are accompanied by a bulging 250 pound, 6'6" giant.

The concert was insanely awesome. Clinically insane. You must see Queens of the Stone Age live if they're ever in or near your town and you worship at the altar of real fucking rock and roll. But please, have some fucking decency.

Propagating Bad Science

Microwave radiation from cell phones causes tumors.

The more energetic visible region of the EM spectrum still considered "safe."

Hell Yes!

Scowling wilfully towards Autobot City, you're Megatron!

Look in a mirror and feel the evil. Then eat the mirror. You eat mirrors for breakfast. You are a badass death robot. You busted on Optimus Prime. You. Are. Megatron. Go outside and burn some animals, because you're worth it.

Declare your pre-Galvatron-ness with the following non-heat-sensitive emblem:

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Fueling Petty Feuds Since 1977

This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an eighty-foot tall mechanical Joe Frazier. My memory isn't what it used to be, but I think the entire Earth was destroyed.

- George Foreman a la "Futurama" (1999)

It's all summed up in the e-mail I sent yesterday. Just read it.

First, I'd like to say that my interest in this issue is purely academic and had nothing to do with anything personal nor did I intend for my acts to be perceived as unprofessional. I am truly sorry that that is how I made you feel last Friday.

As any educator and life-student should, I faithfully encourage academic debate. I feel that it is an essential component in creating an environment that necessitates finding a means to an end, or an answer if you will. It is with this passion that I engaged in the debate regarding the ultimate death of our sun.

During our department discussion, I challenged your statement that our sun would eventually explode. I haven't studied astronomy for several years, but I was fairly certain that I remembered that our sun would expand into a red giant then collapse into a white dwarf where it would ultimately die its heat death. You rebutted with information about the temperature/pressure equilibrium and the Chandrasekhar limit and I conceded the debate at this point due to the fact that I admit that I haven't studied the matter in quite some time.

Later, I did some preliminary research and most of my findings agreed with what I had thought. At this point, I printed up the most concise article I could find regarding the issue, mostly because I didn't want to waste too much paper. I gave it to you at the end of the meeting, not to "prove a point" as you may have perceived but rather in hopes that perhaps you would provide information supporting your argument.

I read the material in the textbook that you then brought to me, the two entire chapters, and I still have found no evidence that the sun will explode. As a matter of fact, a blurb in the "brown box" titled Review: Critical Inquiry seems to suggest that my original hypothesis, that the sun would not explode, was correct. I have also located several supporting resources on the Internet. The source that most directly answers the question is offered by astronomers at Cornell University and can be found at the following URL.

http://curious.astro.cornell.edu/question.php?number=232

I would gladly accept any alternative suggestions from reputable sources. And if you are not fully convinced, I am willing to agree to disagree.

Sincerely,
Me

Now fully prepared for honest academic discourse, here was the response I received in its unedited entirety.

Thank you for pointing it out and we will keep on agreeing to disagree becasue discussion are good for the academic soul.
Him (not The Him)

Just to let you in on the real reason it's an issue... he's our astronomy teacher.

In the meantime, I'll chalk that one up as a victory.

Out In a Blaze of Boring

Friday was a really interesting day in Atlanta. I'm sure if you found this blog you already know what happened, at least the rough details.

I won't ask the obvious questions, like "How did he make it out of the courthouse?," or "If I can imagine that he might use MARTA why can't someone that has been through police training?" Sadly, I already know the answers to those questions.

What really bugs me is what went on after they caught the guy who had been called "a monster" for pretty much 24 or so hours until he was caught. All of the local channels pretty much cancelled all of their programming and resorted to covering every detail they had available after the guy was busted. If you rely on the bunny ears like me, that leaves 6 channels of Baptist church service programming and TBS. And the coverage might not have bothered me so much if the content had been different.

What followed was a series of reports on Brian Nichols. After hours of being an alleged suspect (is it still alleged when it's on tape and there are lots of witnesses?) the rest of the broadcast time was spent humanizing a man that had just cold-bloodedly murdered four completely innocent people. There were stories about the local semi-pro basketball team he tried out for complete with interviews with people saying they never suspected the type of behavior he exhibited the day prior. There were stories about where he had lived. There were probably other stories, too, but disgusted, I decided it was time to go to the driving range.

Why, after exhibiting such "bravery" and calling himself a "warrior" (apparently warriors go out of their way to slay unarmed judiciary employees) did he decide to go silently? Apparently because the woman he held hostage talked him down.

I'm glad he didn't hurt anyone else after the federal agent he happened upon in Buckhead, but I think most of us were hoping he'd not go out like such a pussy. I'd rather have paid for a few bullets than the inevitable drawn-out trial, the subsequent series of appeals to keep him off of death row, not to mention the expense of keeping him up in jail. I think we're definitely about to witness some of the shortcomings of our judicial system.

Perhaps if the media hadn't been swarming around like the most obnoxious busy-body on the block, the police might not have noticed the white flag of surrender.