Why I Don't Have Kids

At Mother's Day, my grandmother offered a very scary suggestion. She simply stated that perhaps next year my wife would be a mother. So, I've started a list of exactly why that is probably unlikely, barring some sort of huge accident.

Reason #1
I'm selfish. Sorry, but I didn't spend all damn day studying for 5 years during college to spend all damn day cleaning up and caring for a rugrat. There's much to be done and shit to be seen before I start seeing the shit in the diaper.

Reason #2
Every family gathering has turned into the most effective form of birth control imaginable. Forget the pill, we use feuding ex-es, screaming undisciplined children, and general overall white trashdom. It's pretty bad when the only person you want to talk to at family gatherings is your mother and she's too busy acting as a parent to the 10 or so kids that don't belong to her. The worst part is she's way better at it and she's hasn't been practicing for years.

Reason #3
I get my daily dose of parenting at work for 4/5 of the year.

Reason #4
My father. I don't want anything going on in my life that gives him any reason to want to be a part of it again. The last straw was not coming to my wedding.

Reason #5
I'm not ready to be "those people." You know, the ones with the obnoxious kids at the restaurant, or the ones with the kids who talk during the entire movie, even if it is just crappy ol' Shrek 2. They probably don't even realize how obnoxious it is, it's probably much worse at home.

To be continued...perhaps...