To the guy whose yard I walked through and got dog poo on my shoe, your ass is toast! I was humiliated to have to scuff my shoes across the grass trying to remove the amazingly sticky butt goo from my traction-optimized soles of my water-resistant Columbia brand hybrid hiking/walking shoes. And there is still a little bit left in the hard to reach places. I'm so embarrassed to be the guy who makes everyone check their shoes in the grocery store check-out lane. So, in addition to the new shoes, you owe me $3 million dollars for mental trauma and lost wages. I can't go to work because I can't put on shoes for fear that I might touch dog poo.
A ridiculous scenario? Not if crap like this (no pun intended) is allowed to go through.
At what point is it a private company's responsibility to make sure your posterior does not become the butt of someone's practical joke? Besides, I could always glue my own ass to a terlit seat and probably would for $3 million dollars. Hell, I'd do it for $20 and a bottle of acetone.
What I'm really asking is do you really want to have to go home to use the crapper? I'm just saying that if I were the business owner and frivolous lawsuits like this one cost me a couple million bucks, I might reconsider even providing the facilities in the first place. "Oh, but they were out of seat covers!" Do you use them at home? Ever thought of making one out of toilet paper? How is The Home Depot responsible for some teenager punk putting a little adhesive on a seat as a pretty darned good practical joke? And if you think I would have taken your perma-seat situation seriously when I entered the restroom, you're probably only kidding yourself. Even if that was the problem, shouldn't you be suing that guy, not the store? I don't remember receiving job training that included what to do when a customer's ass gets glued to the toilet lid. Oh, so you were inconvenienced and em-bare-assed? Suck it up and chalk it up as the one interesting thing that happened to you in your entire life. Do you know how entertaining your story would make even the boringest of parties? Hell, you could turn bingo night into a fun evening.
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I gotta go to my man Occam on this one. Of the following possibilities, which seems the least miraculous?
1) The same guy gets the same joke played on him on two seperate occasions at two different public restrooms, completely by chance,
2) Someone follows this guy around with the express purpose of gluing him to public toilet seats, but only succeeds about once a year, or
3) This yahoo gets his jollies off of gluing his ass to toilet seats.
As a devoted reader of Savage Love, I have to say that #3 hardly seems beyond the realm of human behavior. Though if I worked at that Home Depot, I'd now be tempted to follow the guy around and glue his ass to toilet seat.
By the way, if you want to know what the world would be like without public toilets of the sit-down variety, go to France.
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