Now That's Sensational!!

CNN headline today: Children die in fiery plane crash

Excerpt from story:

A Russian commercial jet crashed in Ukraine on Tuesday, killing all 170 on board, the Russian Emergency Situations Ministry reported. Among the dead were 45 children, Pulkovo Airlines said. The pilot sent a distress signal reporting a fire on board and heavy turbulence, shortly before the plane crash landed, Ukrainian officials said.

Is that really the best headline for the article? What about the 125 people that weren't children? If the plane hit a school or children's hospital, maybe it'd be appropriate. Apparently not the case so I think this one garners the Sensational Headline of the Day^* award.

^*The Sensational Headline of the Day is completely endorsed by pretty much every one who doesn't want to endorse it, including Coke and Pepsi. It discriminates based on race, gender, sexual orientation, eye color and quantum spin state. And if you don't like it, it hates you and thinks your shirt is ugly.

You Have 20 Seconds to Comply

Go see Miami Vice. If you like Michael Mann, you won't be disappointed. Go see it now in fact. You got nothing better going on if you're reading my blog.

While the plot and storylike were pure, traditional Hollywood, the directing and cinematography more than make up for it.

I'd tell you cool shit to look for, but I don't want to ruin it for you.

Go.

Now.

Another Chapter for the History Books

For details on my latest escapades, check here and check often. God put me on this planet for a reason and I think that this is it.

I'll catch up on my trip to Boston sometime tomorrow or later this evening.

Beantown, Part 1

I've been meaning to post about my travels the other week for some time now. I really have no excuse because I've really had nothing to do for most of the day everyday being temporarily out of work. That's really the only justification I can make for staying in my current job as a high school science teacher. Well, nothing to do lately besides look for a short term summer job which totally hasn't been working out. You'd think that a temp agency would call back after you send them everything they need to put you in a few days job you found on the internet. Apparently the 12 calls I've made since last Wednesday aren't enough to warrant a return call to at least say 'no'. I guess my other excuse is that I was finishing reading a book.

So a little more to the point, what better way is there to start a vacation other than a visit to your local TSA security force? It's not really an option if you can't afford a private jet. Unless you drive. And with gas prices, it's cheaper to subject yourself to the rectal exam. I guess you might keep a pair of tweezers up there. Okay, so I exaggerate, but I finally had my first brush with the man (that is the TSA agents). First it's embarrasing enough to make you practically undress in front of hundreds of strangers. There we all are, shoeless, beltless, accessory-less, phoneless (not necessarily a bad one) brothers patiently waiting our turn to be tested to find out just exactly who has metallic penis impants. Guilty! And don't you dare enter the metal detector until you get the signal from the TSA agent who gets to watch you walk through the machine. You probably need a college degree to get that promotion! Oh, and he/she is going to check your boarding pass and ID again, which you had to do in order to get into line in the first place. If you tried to circumvent the first ID check and go straight to the detectors, you'd probably be boarding a plane alright. A plane to Guantanamo Bay.

With all of that said, I make it through the detector no problem. It's kind of hard not to with no clothes on and your platinum penis implant safely tucked away in its non-capacitive ceramic casing. I know it's kind of bulky but I count it as one of my carry-ons. But the x-ray dude is looking at my bag for just a little bit too long for comfort. Hmmm...

"Oh shit. I ran out of room in the suitcase (we were going for 8 days!) so I put my toiletry bag in my carry-on without really considering its contents. An easy enough mistake at 4:45 am. Crap, I guess it's probably the tiny pair of scissors I use to trim my facial hair. Oh well, there goes my scissors."

So after a TSA agent rummages through my bag for a minute, she produces my metallic butt plug! Not really, you think I'm dumb enough to pack that for a plane ride? No, it's really my swiss-army knife that I've had for about 7 years. It's not too formidable. I think the blade is about 2 inches long (about the length of your penis/boyfriend's penis). I've used it to cut so many boxes open that it's coated with a protective layer of 3M's finest adhesive rendering it completely useless for anything requiring a sharp edge. To be honest, I found myself using the scissors on it more frequently than the blade. You know, for trimming those stray threads (and your mother's hairy jungle). But obviously someone somewhere thinks that it's dangerous if a white dude that flies maybe twice a year to the same places everytime has a pair of tweezers and that dangerous plastic toothpick that's likely made of C4 explosive. So faced with 15 minutes to get to my plane vs. going back to mail my knife to myself and then have to wait in the 45 minute line again that caused the lack of time to get to the gate in the first place, I ended up losing my knife. That my wife gave me. From when she went to Switzerland and bought me a Swiss Army knife.

If you ask me, the problem of 9/11 occurred solely because of ridiculousness like this. Hell, they had us American's scared as hell to take anything that might be construed as a weapon on a flight. Imagine if someone on those flights had a swiss army knife. Not only could they help their seat neighbor with that pesky stray thread but they could have easily shown up the terroritst's puny box cutters. Whip open that 2" blade while reciting everyone's favorite line, "That's not a knife. THIS, is a knife." Favorite line because it's the only one they remember from that movie, if they even remember the movie. Then the dude with the Swiss Army knife could go all Ron Popeil on some terrorist ass. Those flights could have been well on their way to their respective destinations complete with the blow jobs for passengers in first class and all anyone would have to worry about is what to do with all of those julienned jihadists. And let's not even talk about the passengers that might have been lucky enough to fly with the guy who's watched every episode of MacGuyver on DVD! Box cutters are no match for a gun made out of SkyMall magazines, biscoff cookies, and the blue stuff from the toilets.

Stay tuned for more wacky adventures and hijinks from my trip to the state that was ironically the site of the birth and the death of American freedom. And sorry, about the mom comment earlier. That wasn't fair. She keeps it nice and tidy down there. Wow, you are too easy! Like your mom. Got you again! Okay, I give up.

Cover Me!

Take a good song, redo it. It happens a lot. I always thought the idea was to make the song better or at least unique. Hendrix did it with Dylan's All Along the Watchtower. Alien Ant Farm did a pretty decent version of ol' MJ's Smooth Criminal (from back when he still had it). But what's up with all of these current remakes groups are releasing that absolutely degrade the integrity of songs that were much better before the remake? And why is Matt Pinfield still on TV?

I got to thinking about it this morning. I was chilling in the living room, reading a book. I like background noise so I turned on VH1 because they actually show videos for a small segment of their available programming time, mostly in the early morning. Like right now. So they start showing a U2 video, the song One. A great U2 song, I'll have to admit. So I actually start to watch it. Right before the first verse, Mary J Blige appears. Huh?! Then she does all of the singing while the band plays the music. It seems like the current trend in voice stars is to embellish to the extent that you can't really tell that they're crappy (okay, mediocre at best) because they're all over the place notewise. It's hard to be off key when you sing in every key for each phrase. Ewwy, ewwy, ooh.

Notable Cover Tunes
Respect - Aretha Franklin (did you know this was originally by Otis Redding?)
All Along the Watchtower - Hendrix (Dylan)
Hard to Handle - The Black Crowes (Redding again)
Killing Me Softly - The Fugees (Roberta Flack)
Higher Ground - Red Hot Chili Peppers (Stevie Wonder)
Hurt - Johnny Cash (NIN)
I Will Survive - Cake (Gloria Gaynor)
Tainted Love - Soft Cell (Gloria Jones)
Mr Bojangles - Nina Simone (Jerry Jeff Walker)

Total Ass Covers
Sweet Child O' Mine - Sheryl Crow (Guns n Roses)
One - U2 w/ MJ Blige (U2, ruined their own song. sad)
Stairway to Heaven - Dolly Parton (Led Zeppelin)
American Pie - Madonna (Don McLean)
Turn the Page - Metallica (Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band)
Tuesday's Gone - Metallica (Lynryd Skynyrd)
Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows (Joni Mitchell)

These lists could go on and on.

What's your favorite/least favorite cover tune?

Drilling for Dollars

What are you supposed to look at when you're in the dentist's chair? Looking at the light is too bright. Looking at the ceiling is boring. Looking at the tools is sort of scary. Looking at the dentist's or the hygenist's face is just too weird (too close for comfort). Closing your eyes (necessary during drilling and stuff, but otherwise...) just makes me feel like I'm having a weird make out session.

A question to you, what do you look at?

there's my next nightmare

I like to leave the TV on when I read. Mostly so there's background noise in an otherwise empty house. (the wife travels for work quite a bit) Now I know that the commercials get a bit naughtier after any reasonable parent would have sent their child to bed. You've all seen them. Commercials for "dating" services. "Pick up the phone." Don't tell me what to do, devil woman! Commercials for Girls Gone Wild. Do you get paid to show your tits on tape? Hell, it beats the old way. You know, having to wait until the guy falls asleep after you blow him so you can roll him. I can't count how many $10's I lost that way in college. But tonight's commercial was a new one for me. Guys Gone Wild. My first thought was "oh, well they have nekkid girls for us guys, might as well have nekkid boys for the girls." Then I realized that it wasn't for the girls.

I feel dirty.

Buck Futters!

I hate having to take classes during the summer.

Especially when it's a total waste of time. I could be working on my tan, working for money, working for the weekend. But no, I'm doing some god awful busy work that we sort of already did in the first 2 modules of the 3 part course. And all of this (200 seat hours they say) for a gifted endorsement on my teaching certificate. Fuck you, you fucking repeating pieces of shit. We've done this stuff before. Everybody is saying it and you get mad at us when we point it out. There'd be an all-out riot if I tried pulling this kind of shit with my students.

Stop wasting my fucking time. I've worked my ass off for 9 hard months to get to this point, the only justification I can make for the cut in pay that I'm taking for not getting a real fucking job.

Am I pissed? You bet. And probably will be every day for the next 5 business days.

Dang!

What do you have to do to get written up at work?

My latest "stunt" was less of a stunt, but it required all sorts of meetings. It all started with the requirement for me to turn in a copy of my final exam to my department head (insert the word 'bone' and it still works perfectly). I refused. To be an asshole? Partially, but not really. Mostly, for test security.

See, when you're really masochistic and in the education industry, you do crazy weird shit like agree to create a new course. Such as Advanced Physics Principles / Robotics. And when you do stuff like that from scratch, you find that there aren't a whole heck of a lot of resources for teaching such a course as an advanced high school level science class. There are plenty of resources for the technology and programming aspect, but not a whole lot for the science/engineering principles, especially the real science application part. So, you make a lot of the shit up from scratch. To make a long story somewhat shorter, it takes a hella lot of time and effort. So, you tend to be pretty protective of your shit. No, not 'pretty protective'. We're talking get your ass attacked by a pack of fat ladies because you want the last cookie on the buffet line kind of protective.

So, when asked to hand over a copy of my final exams to my department (meat)head? I reply with a simple 'no.' Well, you have to understand that there is a perception of a power struggle that has been going on all year long with me. I say perception because it's not authority I defy, it's stupid. Somehow, you can be an ineffective teacher and have all of the kids and faculty like you a lot, to the point where you get Teacher of the Year honors. But those of us that get the kids afterwards know better. Not only are these kids dumb with regard to basic physics principles after an AP Physics class, but they're typically the classroom management issues. Perhaps poor behavior was overlooked in prior classes? Of course, I have been accused of expecting too much with regard to high school student behavior. I've also been accused of being 'elitist.' I don't remember refuting the statement.

Anyhow, it all ended up with him having a real hissy fit. We're talking along the lines of writing e-mails to the assistant principal and telling me that I would have to take it up with her because he wasn't signing off on my sheet as turning them in. It was fun to watch him squirm, but it wasn't an issue of me vs. him as he wants so badly to think. It's just an overprotective, rabid wolverine protecting her cubs. Or whatever you call a baby wolverine. But with intellectual property, not real cubs. And not a real wolverine, just me. Fuck, it was just an analogy.

Fortunately, he's leaving for the new school with the old principal. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Total BS

Remember that whole rant about not getting a decent raise? Well, turns out it was total hogwash. But let's not forget how the political spin machine works. Not to sound too much like a conspiracy theorist, but I think that there are deeper issues at hand here.

See, once the superintendent's plan went to the board (in a private meeting no less), they put the smack down on it and are supposedly reinstating the full 3.4% raise as opposed to his paltry proposal of 1.7%. Oh, thank you! 3.4%! Hey, it's another $900 bucks in my pocket. Still have to work on the $250 furlough day, but hey, the big part is back. Or was the plan to make the furlough day more acceptable?

To be honest, I think that the real impetus was two-fold.

First task: make the governor take the heat. Oh woe is us, budget cuts. We can't find a single source of fat to cut and you're making us hire more teachers with less funding. So, let's take it out on the teachers and convince them that it's that nasty, evil governor!

Second task: lest we forget that it's board election year. The super can't lose his myrmidons! That'd just be cause for him to train a whole new race of blame swappers and a whole new slew of executive retreats to learn useful skills such as responsibility avoidance and the importance of hiring a good spin doctor.

Screw it. Seriously. I'm getting awfully tired of assisting in Marx's ten step program anyhow.