Why I Don't Have Kids

At Mother's Day, my grandmother offered a very scary suggestion. She simply stated that perhaps next year my wife would be a mother. So, I've started a list of exactly why that is probably unlikely, barring some sort of huge accident.

Reason #1
I'm selfish. Sorry, but I didn't spend all damn day studying for 5 years during college to spend all damn day cleaning up and caring for a rugrat. There's much to be done and shit to be seen before I start seeing the shit in the diaper.

Reason #2
Every family gathering has turned into the most effective form of birth control imaginable. Forget the pill, we use feuding ex-es, screaming undisciplined children, and general overall white trashdom. It's pretty bad when the only person you want to talk to at family gatherings is your mother and she's too busy acting as a parent to the 10 or so kids that don't belong to her. The worst part is she's way better at it and she's hasn't been practicing for years.

Reason #3
I get my daily dose of parenting at work for 4/5 of the year.

Reason #4
My father. I don't want anything going on in my life that gives him any reason to want to be a part of it again. The last straw was not coming to my wedding.

Reason #5
I'm not ready to be "those people." You know, the ones with the obnoxious kids at the restaurant, or the ones with the kids who talk during the entire movie, even if it is just crappy ol' Shrek 2. They probably don't even realize how obnoxious it is, it's probably much worse at home.

To be continued...perhaps...

Censored, For Your Protection

It'd be nice if people would actually read once in a while. More specifically, if we'd read the document that our nation was founded upon. Even more specifically, the part that was added so that they could get enough signatures. You remember, right? The Bill of Rights? The first ten amendments? To be overly blatant, the very first amendment? If you don't know what I'm talking about, perhaps you have graduated or will graduate from one of our nation's finest public schools.

Seems some jackass who probably barely made it through the system and then probably went on to pursue a post-secondary degree in physical education is making the decision that a very basic tenet of maintaining democratic principles in our nation is not applicable within the halls of the school that he presides over. The principal has decided that poetry is not allowed at his school because of a student poem that criticized the war in Iraq and the "No Child Left Behind" policy of the current US administration. I'm not saying I agree with the girl, I don't even know what she wrote and I'm not against the war, but give me a break! I guess we should amend the Constitution to read "free speech unless Gary Tripp, high school principal, doesn't like it."

Small minds running the exact institutions of learning that are supposed to be contributing to making people not small-minded? Even as I look at the schools in my area, the same types of people are running the majority of the schools. I don't understand. I guess it all comes down to where you have friends. Or perhaps you were a state championship winning coach or something. Who knows?

I'd be honored if I weren't offered a renewal contract from the likes of Gary Tripp.

White Trash Wedding

Billy Idol never sang about this one.

First, it's not a first wedding. Oddly that goes first. Cousin's wedding. Won't get too particular so I don't get sued. Didn't want to go, figured I'd just go to the third.

Second, male processional accompanied by country tune on stereo boombox. I didn't even know they had male processionals. Much less one that played for 3-plus minutes when it takes 10 seconds to walk out a side door and stand up front. Awkward wait follows.

Third, being given away by 3-yr old child from the first marriage. Asked him if he'd "give this woman in marraige." He says "no." Grimaces of pain from holding back maniacal laughter quickly ensue.

Fourth, catering by ex-step-mom-in-law. If that relation makes any sense to you, you'd probably understand why I stuck to third-party wedding cake.

Fifth, redneck friends royally f-up brand new Boxy Monstrosity SUV. This includes hiding sardines somewhere unknown, maybe under one of the many car seats, and pouring bubble solution in AC vents. When asked why, simple response of "so it'll blow bubbles when they turn it on."

Yay, maybe I can have this much fun on my next first weekend without school-related extracurricular events.

For Those About to Bot, We Salute You!

Our robotics team cleaned up at the Peachtree Regional FIRST Robotics competition this weekend. That probably means squat to the average reader. Perhaps you should go here or maybe here to figure out what the heck I'm talking about. And if you haven't been, you probably won't understand.

I spent the weekend with split loyalties between the robotics team and the academic bowl team. The latter had a good first year showing at State championships. The previous had a phenomenal showing for their second year. They brought home the Team Spirit award, the Regional Championship for winning the competition, and the Regional Chairman's Award, the highest honor bestowed by FIRST, essentially for having the best overall team. The regional director jokingly stated to me that we were a bunch of "award piggies." I half-jokingly reminded her that this was not a socialist event.

It was a good weekend.

Working 7 to 12, What a way to make a living...

That's 7 as in AM, 12 as in AM. God, I must love this job. Either that, or I do way too much crap. Stupid work ethic. Damn you Mom for raising me to be responsible!! I'd much rather be having a beer bought with my government subsidies, but NO!! You had to go and make me all educated and load me up with the idea to take pride in my work. Now here I am in a dark, lonely school building all by myself, typing up lesson plans for my substitute that's taking over while I'm out being a respectable sponsor of both the robotics team and the academic bowl team in the same weekend in two towns at least 2 hours apart. What I wouldn't give to be working on the POS truck and beating up on my wife and kids instead.

Come to think of it... thanks Mom.

Return of the Plague

Let me preface this with a little background info. I am an advisor for our school's FIRST robotics team, a national robotics competition for high school students all over the country. This year, we entered two regional events, the first of which occurred last weekend, Mar 4-6, at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, VA. We left Wednesday evening for the Thursday-Saturday event.

Everything was going well. The competition was proceeding better than expected for our team, in 9th of 63 by Friday evening. Had a few good meals courtesy of sponsors and what not, had a good time meeting people from other teams. Then...

Friday night, around 11 pm, we're back in our hotel. The mentor students from GA Tech (god bless her) were along with us. Everyone is hanging out, having a good time. Then I get the first report. One of the Tech kids puked. No big deal, no telling what wacky college kids were up to. Maybe some alcohol. Seemed unlikely. Maybe some bad food? Who knows? Not one of our high schoolers, he can take care of himself. Then, 15 minutes later, it's one of our girls spewing. Did they eat at the same place? Well, we all ate at the sponsor event. Uh oh. 10 minutes later, one of our boys has decided to revisit his earlier meal. Crap, what's going on? Over the course of the evening, probably 10 of the 44 people on our bus were afflicted with some type of stomach bug. Not good.

At the competition site the next day, turns out we're not the only team in this situation. A lot of teams are down 3-15 kids due to this illness, whatever it is. Probably a little less than half the attending people.

Turns out we had an outbreak of some strain of a norovirus, aka the stomach flu. Not surprising considering how many objects exchange hands. Every team has giveaways with their team names and numbers on them, buttons, pens, cool blinky things, etc. And our team was gracious enough to provide a nice contamination zone via an Internet cafe style setup in the lobby.

It was cool, got to clean up some puke on the bus, watch a few others vomit in trashcans. On the return trip home, we quarantined the sick to the back of the bus. They turned green at the mere mention of food or blowing chunks. So, I was gracious enough to provide the others with a top ten list of forbidden words for the ride home.
10. vomit
9. puke
8. upchuck
7. hurl
6. spew
5. blow chunks
4. ralph
3. barf
2. reverse peristalsis
1. uneat

I told them if we go back to VCU next year, one of our giveaways should be those SARS masks with our team logo on it.

Why I Don't Have Pets

Take this weblog for example. If posts were its food, it'd only weigh around the mass of a few electrons by now, if it were lucky enough to survive this long on other peoples lost posts and its own waste.

I Am A Thrust-ship

I am a Thrust-ship. I am small and tricky - where you think I am, I probably am not. I can work very fast, but I tend to go about things in a round about way, which often leaves me effectively standing still. I hate rocks. Bloody rocks. What Video Game Character Are You?

Looking For an Excuse

How many times do you hear white people complaining about being mistreated or "discriminated against?" I'm sure the answer isn't zero, but I'm sure it isn't anywhere near the number of times you could figure for similar claims from people of other races and/or ethnicities. The latest case here doesn't _really_ involve me, but it disturbs me nonetheless. One of our program coordinators got a call from the parent of a black student essentially calling him and everyone else in our program a racist. Since I am a teacher in the program and she referred to "your staff over there", I assume that it means that her blanket comment applies to me as well. I'm flattered and personally impressed by my skill when I can be involved in such a grand conspiracy to keep the non-whiteys down with as little effort as being employed and consuming oxygen.

Allow be to bore you with the details as I understand it. Part of our program involves a senior research experience where the students are given the opportunity to participate in an internship with local companies and universities that have agreed to mentor students. This is only our second year of developing this program, but it has gained quite a bit of steam indeed. Some of the kids are resourceful and ambitious and seek out mentors themselves with a little guidance while others rely on us to help them out a little, or in some cases, a lot. For perspective, we went from needing to place about 25 students over two semesters last year to having to place about 90 kids over two semesters this year, about half each semester. This should seem monumental to any observer and we have been able to manage with the diligent work of a few of the people in our program.

She placed limitations on her son's opportunities when she said he would not have permission to leave campus for his internship. I know some salaried employees are able to telecommute, but how many interns have you heard about doing the same? I thought part of the point was to experience the work environment during an internship. We still managed to find an internship where he would be developing a web page for some mentor. A suitable task considering the limitations. You don't have to be at a place of business to develop their web page as long as you use other forms of communication to get feedback, right? Besides, how many programmers are people you want to chat with by the water cooler? Ok, I apologize for the stereotype.

The problem is the kid doesn't have the best sense of self-motivation. Without that boss being over his shoulder, he dropped the ball and performed quite poorly, from what I hear at least. The work done for and via the internship is crucial to two courses taken to accommodate the internship, a methods of research class and the actual internship class. In short terms, he ended up putting himself in a double jeopardy situation from a grade perspective. Now that we're only two weeks away from the end of the semester, the mother finally gives a rat's ass about what is going to be showing on his transcript. Now that it's way too late to consider alternatives, the mother expresses her displeasure with the selection of his internship. In almost her exact terms, it was "you have given him a sh!tty internship because he is black." I'm paraphrasing here, but the accusations also included that all of our black students had "sh!tty internships" and that we set them up for failure. Keep in mind that he is the only one I know about having a dire situation from an academic standpoint. Keep in mind that I hear that the other black kids had pretty decent gigs, not that his was bad in the first place. Keep in mind that students are encouraged to seek out their own opportunities first, use us last. The mere fact that her statement implies that we have "given" anything discriminatory supports my personal belief that all people who pull the "race card" are wounded by our overall society's acceptance of the notion of entitlement. Apparently, from her perspective, the students in our program are now entitled to an internship and it had better end up working out in 100% of the cases, regardless of input from the student during the internship attainment or sustainment periods.

Where does the idea of personal responsibility fit in in all of this? Sadly, I don't think it does. One of the major faults with entitlement programs is that they tend to entitle the recipients to relieve themselves of any sense of personal responsibility. Hell, everyone would love to have it all without having to work for it. Unfortunately, not as many of us realize that the free lunch is really more expensive than it's worth.

Conflict of Interest

The typical student around here seems to know quite a bit. Granted, that bit may not be about anything remotely academic. They know lots about fashion, sex, drugs, celebrities, their favorite music groups. Ask them who the current Vice President of the USA is and you'll hear one of two things: the stereotypical cricket chirping or the marbles in their skull shifting.

Daytime television is brain rotting garbage. Being on holiday last week, there were times when I was at home with the television on. Flipping channels sans cable, there were several options. Trashy talk shows, trashy soap operas with totally implausible plotlines, reruns of Full House on the SuperStation, and Mr. Rogers on PBS. My wife and I chose the latter. I wish more people did as well. We suffered a great loss with his death this year. He had a great quote near the end of the episode. "You can't learn until you want to learn." I think that sums up my high school teaching experience quite well.

And today, Thomas Sowell writes, "Whenever people talk glibly of a need to achieve educational "excellence," I think of what an improvement it would be if our public schools could just achieve mediocrity." Too bad that requires effort, thinking, and an attention to something other than MTV.